My girlfriend read my blog the other day, and was frustrated with me over my desire to go back to NY and be with the kids. I also think that she is not happy that I have, of recent, held my ex in good light and I am blaming myself for the break up of our marriage. She told me that it hurts to much for her, and she does not deserve this. I must say that she has been very supportive of me, but I do not know how to respond to her. I can not simply snap out of the mood I am in. I can not simply change my mind at will and decide that I like myself. I think that I should, for the betterment of everyone, find my own place so that I do not burden others with my foul mood and negative outlook. She is right, and she does not deserve an a**hole like myself as a boyfriend. All the more so she does not deserve a husband like me.
I do not want to become like my father. I do not want to be over sixty and in my third marriage. It is clear now that I am not ready to re-marry. In fact in retrospect I may not have been ready to marry the first time. But then again who really is? I do not mean to say that I was not ready to take the fault of my failed marriage off myself. I still should have worked harder and making it succeed. That being said, I had a long talk with my girlfriend last night and we agreed to put off, for now, any notion of engagement. I also told her that I need to move into my own place so that I have my own personal space. I hope that this will afford me the time and ability to tackle some of the personal issues that I have spoken about here. It will also help me get to a place where I am able to take the step into marriage again. I have a place lined up and will likely move in a month.
That's all for now, more latter.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
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9 comments:
Have you considered some counseling to help you? Going through dark, introspective times alone is hard. You need all the help you can get. See what's available. And don't be so hard on yourself. You're learning from what happened and that's really, ultimately, very important in the big picture.
for your own sake it is important for you to be honest with yourself about your marriage so you don't repeat the same mistakes again. you need not berate yourself but should take a hard look at what mistakes you made and what you might have done differently.
Kyle, I am not frustrated over your desire to be with your kids. I have told you time and again that there is no way that I could be that far away from my kid. I am not upset and hurt that you recently are holding your ex in good light. What I am upset by is your total disregard for me. I have stood by you and supported you through months of unemployment, from my family pulling me in different directions, and from numerous other things. I told you to be absolutely certain that this is where you wanted to be. You assured me over and over that this is what you wanted. I have been so happy and so in love with you and in the last week or two my whole world feels like it is dropped out from under me. That is why I am hurt. I feel like you used me as a stand by until you figured out what you wanted to do with your life. I feel that when things get too tough for you, you want to run and hide instead of facing what is put in front of you and then later regret the choices you made. I love you probably more than you realize maybe that is why all of this hurts me so much.
Michelle
It's possible to live next door to your children and be completely estranged from them, and it's possible to live half way around the world and be as close to your children as if you were holding them in your own arms. Don't use distance as an excuse as to why you don't have a relationship with your children.
Interesting point. Thank you.
I had not thought of it that way.
Again thanks.
it sounds like you are depressed, get depressed and then pull out of it - have you tried therapy? don't do this to the people in your life again. gwet help
Well yes I am depressed. I find it interesting how so common it is for people to view a depressed person, all the more so one who is acting out his or her emotions, as one who is doing something to those around him or her. Does anyone really think that I like how my emotional state is effecting my relationships with my friends, co-workers, and my girlfriend? Do you really think that I do not know I need help?
well then, if you do not like what you're emotional state is doing to your relationship and you know you need help - what have you done to get the help? Are you on medication? Are you in therapy? If the answer to both is no and you give excuses why not then what you are doing to them is Your problem. if the answer is yes that you are in therapy and on medication than they will also find the strength to stand by you
Sounds like you are weighed down by regret since what you once had is no longer available to you. "The one that got away" -- and by that I mean the life, not the wife.
Doesn't matter. Time for plan B. You just need to figure out (maybe therapy will help, maybe a close but objective friend) exactly what your ideal life is at this point, and then how to get there. If you have a picture in your mind of what your goal is, you can start working toward it. Feeling sorry for yourself and wanting the life you used to have will not get it back for you.
B'hatzlacha!
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